Be. There.

 What do you do when your friend/family member is going through a divorce?......

The past two years have been the worst for me, emotionally.  I was verbally and mentally abused and manipulated by the one person who vowed to love me forever.  The one person who promised to be faithful. To stand by me in sickness and in health. To work through anything together.  But when I needed that person the most… he ran.  “It’s not cheating if I wasn’t physical”  Except… it is.  To me.  And THAT is what should have mattered.  In the past two years, I felt like I was sitting on the sidelines, watching my life fall apart.  I was made to feel invisible, weak, unintelligent, not good enough, and insignificant by the person who should have been making me feel like number one, strong, smart, ENOUGH.  Now, in hindsight, I do see that my life was falling apart so that it could fall TOGETHER the way it was meant to be… the way that God intended.  To show me that life can be good, happy and complete. God showed me grace in the darkest time of my life.  When the ending of my marriage was inevitable and clear to me… someone very close to me told me “you will be surprised at who stands with you and who will run during this time”  and she was right.  And unless you have been through a divorce, you will NEVER “get it”.  You will never be capable of giving the compassion, understanding the darkness, you will never be able to wrap your head around the grief associated with divorce… unless you have been there.  I don’t fault my friends and family who don’t know.  Because, how could they know?!  And I pray with every fiber of my being that the people I love NEVER have to go through the pain and abuse that I went through and, unfortunately, still endure.

Divorce was once described to me as a "death of someone who isn’t dead" so the grief process gets ripped open… over and over and over.  And if you have children, the grief never. stops. The pain will be seen in their eyes.  The sadness, the darkness will try to creep in on your beautiful precious children so you have to work EVERY SINGLE DAY to keep the cycle from doubling back over.  You will forever wearily be tied to that one person that you also vowed to love forever, that you now cannot stand to be around.  So… you haven’t (and hopefully never will) been through a divorce? Here is my advice to you, the friend, the family member…

1. BE there. Just, be. Sit with her on the floor when she is broken. Don’t say a word. Just be. Cry with her. Laugh with her. HUG her. She craves hugs, I promise. 

2.  Check on her, every single day. Call, text, stop over. Just make sure she is STILL HERE.  Because in the darkest time, I promise you that she is thinking the world will be better without her. That her children will be better off without a mother who, if awake, is crying… who hasn’t left the house in days… who throws together the easiest meals because she does not have the physical strength to do anything else. Check. On. Her. 

3.  Feed her. Because she isn’t feeding herself. The thought of food makes her nauseous, the thought of preparing a full meal for herself takes the back burner. Food is the last thing on her mind. Just like when there is a death in life, remember that her divorce IS A DEATH IN HER LIFE.  Bring meals.

4.  Let her vent without judgement. Her thoughts are going to be scattered, disjointed, strange, and irrational. Go with it. Talk her through it. Do not tell her what to do, and do not offer advice unless you have BEEN THERE, do not ignore her phone calls, texts or times that she reaches out (because it won’t be often). Just listen. It’s a process. 

5.  Offer to babysit for an afternoon so she can sleep.  Night sleeping doesn’t happen for her.  She is up all night worrying, running numbers, figuring out how to move forward. She is up all night crying. She is tired. You don’t have to take the kids anywhere, just come and hang out with them and send her to bed for a nap.

6.  Take her phone. Chances are she will fight to the very last day to try and save her marriage. Take her phone, put it on silent, turn it off… whatever you have to do to give her a few minutes of peace.

7.  Bring a bottle of wine and drink it with her. The edge of the divorce blade is sharp and continues to cut her every day… take the edge off. (While you are at it, bring some chocolate to go with that wine.)

8.  Invite her!! You will still be doing things with other married couples, you will still be living your life and having get-togethers on the weekends… invite her. She is SO lonely. She will not mind being the fifth wheel if it means she is out of the house and distracted for a few hours. 

9.  This is not about YOU.  She is going to be distraught at times (most of the time), irritated, and remember what I said above about disjointed thoughts? Yeah. She is unable to think of anything outside of her grief. Do NOT make this about you. She didn’t ask you about your day?  I’m sure it was better than hers.  How many times was she there for you when life was hard?  She isn’t capable of being there right now. She is broken.

10.  Do not run. The worst parts will pass.  But, it will test friendships, it will test a family.  Do not run. It’s going to get very ugly before it ever gets better. 

11.  Celebrate with her.  It may seem very morbid to you, but on divorce day… celebrate with her.  It is most likely the end of an abusive relationship.  Go to the courthouse with her if she asks.  Take her to lunch.  Hold her hair while she pukes if that is what it takes. 

12.  But, MOST importantly, encourage her to lean into her faith. Remind her that God is reaching for her, always.  Foster THAT relationship with her, take her to church, find a Bible study.. and DO IT WITH HER.  Remind her that God made her STRONG.  She isn’t going to agree.  But remind her daily that He will get her through this time.


Talking about divorce among friends or family who have not been there or been around divorce is one of those conversations that EVERYONE will avoid.  It's like one of those topics that is "out of sight, out of mind."  Don't let your friend, your sister, your daughter feel like she cannot talk to you about it.  It isn't contagious!

I have to say, my friends and family lucked out, my divorce was final in 7 months from the day my ex told me he wanted a separation to the day we stood in front of a county judge for 5 minutes and our 12 year marriage was legally ended.  From the day he moved out to the day of divorce was exactly 85 days.  I know people who dragged it on for years.  Quick does NOT mean painless.  All of what I wrote here is because these were the things I PERSONALLY experienced or lacked from my support system.

Some will read this, and most likely take offense but I will not be apologetic.  Not even for a second.  Because, now I know, and I can BE THERE if anyone I love goes through this.

So, if you have someone in your life going through a divorce, stop RIGHT NOW and CALL HER.  (Or him... I don't discriminate ;-) )

And, PLEASE, if you are reading this and YOU are the one going through this... and you have suicidal thoughts, PLEASE get help.  Call someone, TELL SOMEONE.  There are plenty of anonymous hotlines or text lines you can talk to, reach out.  Your life is WORTH IT.

National Suicide Hotline : 1-800-273-8255
Text Line : Text HOME to 741741 in the US
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/